


My Heart Is In Pain, but I'm Smiling For You

by orphan_account



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Death, M/M, Suicide, it's sort of inspired but much more sad than the song, this is low-key a song fic??, this isn't good but ah, vague stuff yeah boi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-24
Updated: 2016-11-24
Packaged: 2018-09-01 21:27:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8638699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "I need you more than air when I'm not with you. Please don't ask me why, just kiss me this time. My only dream is about you and I."





	

**Author's Note:**

> MAN I SUCK AT WRITING BUT I WAS SO FUELED FOR ANGST   
> the summary is lyrics to th song I was listening to but yeah boi .. I hope at least one person likes this ahhh..

No matter how many tears shed, no matter how deep the wounds made in his heart were; none of this would change. The flame of adoration he felt, the inspiration, everything just died away as the news came to him. "How could it end up this way?" Was a thought he constantly wondered. He tried his best to get through it. He wouldn’t cry. No matter how the pain was, no matter what he’d try his best to keep a smile for the one he loved, even if they couldn’t see it anymore. Even if it wasn’t the same as before. Could he even be blamed for not smiling the same? Would anyone even notice? He’d stare at himself in the mirror, noting how exhaustion greatly affected his appearance that would once be considered attractive. Now it just screams out a "go away". That wasn’t false, he didn’t want to deal with anyone. He couldn’t deal with anyone. For just how long would he have to hold this all to himself? Would someone pick it out of him? Would he never get better? Will he take it to the grave?

 

The last one seemed more likely to him.

 

Days went by, no one noticed. Months went by, no one noticed. But himself. "He’s gone," His heart would remind him. "There’s no point, you idiot." There was no point. He laughed at that, because it felt really true. Down to the core, he felt as if there was nothing to keep him going. He’d much rather see the other man’s tears again than to be stuck like this. This day-to-day loop of emptiness, deep sadness, so many more emotions that couldn’t be explained. He felt as if it all would tear him apart. Even worse, they’d all talk about the other man. They weren’t kind words, really. They just hurt. They hurt a lot. "Please, just end it all." He choked out to himself. "Not yet." Was the response. Even though he said so, he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop it at some point. It was soon; he could feel it in his blood. Sickening loneliness and unbearable longing kept him on the verge of tears. Always. He still wouldn’t let it come out. His emotions never really mattered; No one cared about how he felt. Besides him. It was always his performances and his looks that moved people to even noticing his existence. Yet still, he had to keep up this act for the public that he somehow managed well. It didn’t make sense. At least to him, his pain was obvious. How can people just simply ignore how much every fiber of his being is screaming, crying, and begging for help and escape. 

 

Every single day the pain scratches at his chest. The pain is intense. It’s too much, really overwhelming to the point. "No more!" His body would cry out, exhausted from his emotions overflowing so much his physical form took great damage. "God, PLEASE make it stop." It sobbed, the thoughts and memories of his lover would just keep playing on loop. His joints would stiffen, and he’d let out only one whimper escape his lips, but no tears. He wouldn’t cry. Not ever. He couldn’t let his emotions destroy him beyond repair. Though, that statement was false. 

 

He was completely, utterly demolished. 

 

It all just ran like a waterfall, he couldn’t, mustn’t, won’t keep it up. Here he sat, laughing away any tears that would sting his eyes, begging to escape and run down his cheeks, as he wrote. "I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you." A pathetic, simple apology. He would make sure to make it up to him somehow, not in this life. It was too late. "My heart yearns for you, you know? I’m sure you’re waiting." He didn’t know why he was speaking like this. "I missed you. I miss your eyes on me. I miss your hands. I miss your voice. I miss you." With a deep breath, the tears came streaming down his face. It was heavy, he felt like he couldn’t keep his head up anymore. Gross sobs escaped his lips as he continued to write, choking on his cries. "I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I kept telling myself I wouldn’t cry, just please don’t leave me again." He pulled back from the paper for one moment, just to let out one, loud, and held out whimper. "We’ll be together in our next life. I know it. I’ll find you. I won’t know you, but I know for sure my heart will. It can’t forget you. Please wait for me, Yuri. I’m coming." With that, an agonizing pain shot throughout his head. His sight went red, but it soon faded to nothingness immediately afterwards, and Viktor Nikiforov could finally rest and return to his loved one as he said he would.


End file.
